here comes 2011

Today is my grandma's birthday, so I put together a bouquet for her <3
ILU~~



Here we go, come with me
There's a world out there that we should see
Take my hand, close your eyes
With you right here, I'm a rocketeer

Let's fly into 2011!

Looking back, the latter half of 2010 pretty much sucked. I hope 2011 will bring in more happier memories!

Regression

It sorta feels like the older I get, the younger I become. I get younger in looks, behavior, dress... is this a fear of aging? or am I just naturally inclined to do so?

Anyways, I'm back to working on cosplay! I'm preparing for ALA in two weeks, with 3 costumes planned: finish angel beats!, nitori for touhou, patty fleur for tales of vesperia~ I really hope I can finish it all! It just feels like slow progress now...

small note

I'm really glad that I met you, and that you're my friend. ♥

solemn

11/20/10 2345.

A bunch of numbers. A date, a time.

That's when my grandmother passed away.

I guess, I should start from the beginning. For the past five years or so, my grandmother had her bouts of illness, but she always bounced back and recovered. It wasn't until the last five months that she became a frequent flyer for hospitalization, and started her decline. Although it was noticeable, I was a bit in a denial. Why?

It's because this was my grandma. She raised me for most of my early years up to age 3, for my parents were too busy working and taking care of my older brother. So, often I would stay at her home for months on end. She would take care of my cousins also at this time, so it was a very close time. I've learned my horrendous accent from her, even learning our old language of a toi sang- cantonese mix hybrid.

We received a call around midnight, which is actually when I was turning off my laptop to go to sleep. I eavesdropped snippets of my mother on the phone: "no pulse?" and so on. I knew what that meant, but I still was in denial and held myself until I could see for myself...

When we reached the facility, I ran. I ran past my uncle, red-eyed and calling relatives. I ran past my grandpa, sobbing in the lobby. I ran down the halls, past staff, just ran until I reached her room.

But, at the sight of her face, I broke. She was no longer hooked onto oxygen, and her face was serene. For the past few months, whenever I saw her, I would see pain etched on her face. Her brows were furrowed, her skin red and diaphoretic. She would be gasping for air, even with the oxygen as assistance. I cried a lot. I cried for my grandmother, unable to talk to her again. I cried, for with this also comes the mortality of those I love. I also cried out of relief, for it had been a long time since I had seen her face so smooth and calm.

My grandmother had an acute onset that just descended downhill, starting in the summer. The first time I went to visit her in the hospital, she didn't know who I was. This really affected me, to have no recall of you, plus I thought this showed how severe her illness was. But, as the visit went on, she remembered. She smiled, and said , "I recognize you now. How could I forget you? You're my granddaughter. I didn't recognize you at first because you've become so beautiful."

I've also just realized that this was the last coherent thing she said to me.

The past few months have been very stressing. I like to keep things like this to myself, so I didn't really tell anyone. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, and I especially don't want people being nice to me ONLY because they feel sorry for me. I'd like to think that I'm tough enough to not have to rely on someone for comfort. SO, I apologize for being short-tempered, anxious, or not hanging out when you want to.

Although this has been going on, my denial was pretty strong though. It wasn't until a trip to the ICU 2 months ago that I realized that she wasn't going to get better, after I had talked to the nurse about her previous level of functioning, when she said " Poor thing. She's just withering away..."

Except, when I heard it, I knew it to be true. But, I tucked it away to not touch my heart. My older relatives like my uncles were actually mad that I had a breakdown, even saying that I should expect it because she's old and sick, and to get over it. When I first heard them say this, I got pissed and thought they were being crotchety old people, but then I realized...that maybe, because they were older and wiser, that they had mentally prepared for this day.

Eventually, we're all going to die. It may or may not be in the most comfortable conditions, or the ideal scenario. I guess...what I'm trying to say is that, I'll try my best to mend my heart, and not forget...but remember those I love with happy memories.

Thank you, grandma. I know you're already gone, healthy and in Heaven. I love and miss you, and hope you realize that we didn't send you to the facility to die, but in hopes of getting better.

From your eldest granddaughter, with love.

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100 Truths
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the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.
Tagged means "I'm interested in knowing what are your 100 truths" or it was random LOL.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, copy and paste this note, erase my

answers and enter your own, tag people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click

publish.)
Eff that, it's too serious here =P

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: plum juice

2. Last phone call: my brother

3. Last text message: kerry

4. Last song you listened to: humming urban stereo-baby love

5. Last time you cried: last night, when I tried to do an all-nighter to write my travesty of a paper but fell asleep.

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: Nope.

7. Been cheated on: better not have

8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Nope.

9. Lost someone special: Yeah

10. Been depressed: Yeah.

11. Been drunk and threw up: >_>; that first time I drank ,that 7-up/soju...

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:

12: hot pink
13: baby pink
14: blue~


THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)

15. Made a new friend: fuck yes!!!

16. Fallen out of love: more like crushes.

17. Laughed until you cried: Alot. XD

18. Met someone who changed you: of course

19. Found out who your true friends were: I find out every year~

20. Found out someone was talking about you: probably, since I'm so mean haha

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: blogspot has no friends list :P

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: facebook wise, I met all of them at some point in my life

23. How many kids do you want: it depends how the first one feels

24. Do you have any pets: nope

25. Do you want to change your name: When I was young, I wanted to. But I love it and embrace it now~

26. What did you do for your last birthday: karoake and eat!

27. What time did you wake up today: 1030 am

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: bitching about my paper online

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: the day I don't scare off a man LOL

30. Last time you saw your Mother: like 2 seconds ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I was more smarter and outgoing.

32. What are you listening to right now: 허밍어반스테레오 -Oh My Baby- Korean Song

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yesss

34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: MY FUCKIGN PAPER

35. Most visited webpage: facebook

36. Whats your real name: I AIN'T PUTTING THIS SHIT ON THE INTERNET LOLOL

37. Nicknames: sleepy maid, rayna, reina, rainna, reyna

38. Relationship Status: Single.

39. Zodiac sign: taurus

40. Male or female: feMale.

41. Primary School: Meher Montessori

42. Secondary School: st. stephens, sts. felicitas and perpetua, brightwood

43. High school/college: Mark Keppel High .

44. Hair color: fobby brown/orange/red mix

45. Long or short: Short. everyone likes to high-five over my head T_T

46. Height: 5 2

47. Do you have a crush on someone: OMFGGGG

48: What do you like about yourself: I care too much, and I'm short. I'll always find a guy taller than me!

49. Piercings: none ;3;

50. Tattoos: none so far...

51. Righty or lefty: Right.


FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: pulling teeth out for braces tiem

53. First piercing: None.

54. First best friend: grace ( kindergarden)

55. First sport you joined: figure skating... *shudder*

56. First vacation: canada!

58. First pair of trainers: shoes? little red mary janes


RIGHT NOW:

59. Eating: Nothing.

60. Drinking: nothing

61. I'm about to: shower and then rage on my paper

62. Listening to: humming urban stereo-insomnia

63. Waiting for: this survey to end




YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids: of course

65. Get married: haha, if I find someone who can handle my personality

66. Career: fff nurse

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes: eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: HUGS, I LOVE HUGS IF YOU'RE THE RIGHT PERSON AKA NOT A CREEPER

69. Shorter or taller: omg, I hope you're taller than me...

70. Older or Younger: Younger.

71. Romantic or spontaneous: both.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: arms

73. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both, mostly loud. haha

74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: Nope.

77. Drank hard liquor: the very very first time I drank, I bought smirnoff cuz everyone told me the ice coolers were good. I was dumb and bought VODKAAAA AND THEY MADE ME DRINK IT OH GODDD

78. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes. D: all the timee

79. Sex on first date: hur hur fuck no, I ain't a ho

80. Broken someone's heart: :X I do that a lot

82. Been arrested: Nope >_>;

83. Turned someone down: Yeah.

84. Cried when someone died: Yeah...

85. Fallen for a friend: DOHOHOHOHO YES



DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: of course!!

87. Miracles: I do.

88. Love at first sight: haha yes

89. Heaven: yes

90. Santa Claus: no, but his spirit is remniscient in people

91. Kiss on the first date: Cheek..? or maybe if I like you a lot ;D

92. Angels: of course

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: fff nooo that's messed up

95. Did you sing today: every day

96. Ever cheated on somebody: Nope.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: childhood. So I could spend more time with them...

98. The moment you would choose to relive: the past is the past. just go forward

99. Are you afraid of falling in love: Yeah..

100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: no

summer quarter~ almost time for break!

Hullo, long time no see! It's week 7 :< almost there!

I usually really like all my quarters because I like hospital days, but pediatrics has turned me into a big softie <3

I didn't have a lot of experience with kids before, with the majority of my family being older than me. So I was a little bit worried, because it's also been a really long time since I was a kid too.

Pediatrics is wonderful <3 Mind you, it's not all about cute cuddly kids; after all, these are sick kids in the hospital. I've already had my share of kids with poor prognosis, kids born with rare diseases, some no signs of parents all day... and I admit, for those kids, I start to get teary-eyed when I see them.

But, I also see other things. I've seen parents there day and night, obviously so in love with their child. I've seen kids who hold their arms out to me and want to play. I've seen kids who are happy just to even see the view from the window to the outside. To them, yes they are sick; but they don't dwell on it. Instead of thinking of self-pity, they jump. They run, they laugh.

The first time I brought a board game into a child's room, I saw the light in his eyes and the pep in his step. For kids, play is the world to them. It doesn't matter if it's a board game, coloring, or reading a book. To them, just knowing that there's someone there to play is enough. I'm not here to give you a shot, I'm here to take you to the playroom!

I've done many things already to make a child happy. I've played games all day with them, I've been kicked during diaper changes, I've run to catch/hold a child, I've even sang the Hannah Montana theme song. I've read books in broken spanish, then read other books in broken english, I've given hugs.

I guess you can say that I've been really inspired by pediatrics.
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Today, I was walking late to class when I passed by the Red Cross bloodmobile. I'd seen it before, but was always scared to donate blood. I thought about it, but it wasn't until today's lecture that I made up my mind. It was about heart disorders in kids, but it was when my professor told a story from her experiences about a child who had excess blood loss and shock that I decided to do it. I know my blood can go to an adult, a kid, whoever needs it. But, I felt that I can spare blood to someone who needs it to live.

Back in medsurg half a year ago, I saw a nurse do a blood transfusion on a patient rapidly losing blood. Their vitals were going down fast, and this was to prevent shock.

SO, I sucked it up and grew a pair. I set my mind that I really wanted to donate my blood so that someone could live.

The overall process was a bit intimidating, especially when it came to the actual blood drawing. I've always had bad experiences even when just getting labwork, because my veins aren't really visible to the naked eye. I've had many failed attempts to get it, or when it does get in it was extremely painful.

I felt like I was going to pass out any time. I quickly felt my arm grow cold, then go numb. I could still move my fingers, but I lost feeling. I had to keep pumping my fist to get my blood out, and as time went on my grip was getting weaker and weaker. It took like 20 minutes to fill out the pint I needed... I was shaking, getting weaker and colder, and probably looked horrible since the whole team in the mobile kept asking me if I was okay. They had me stay in there extra time to lie down and recover, and especially to eat something and rest before leaving. The actual process hurt so much that I considered asking them to just stop in the middle of it and take the needle out~ instead, I insisted that I was fine.

It took me a few hours to get feeling back into my arm though :/ and when I tried to remove the bandage, I instantly started bleeding again. Holy shit, where are you, clotting factors? ;3; I also had this branching bruise and of course my arm hurts a lot and I feel weak in general.

But, I don't care. A little discomfort and pain for me... is worth it to give someone an extension of life.

update!

pic by Joanne Duong <3

Welcome and pleased to meet you! My name is rayna, and I am a new maid for AniMaid Cafe! I hope all goshujin-sama and ojou-sama enjoy my blog o^_^o

Anyways, I went to the Socal cosplay gathering as attempt to try out my maid skills! Unfortunately, I was too scared and shy to talk to any new people ;A; help me grow courage, goshujin-samas!

I fed a baby today and they fall asleep in my arms, so cute~ babies are cute!